Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Trends, they ain't so bad.

Well, hello again to all those who have been e-mailing me and wondering where CarBull has gone. Just kidding. By no popular demand at all I have found my way back to my beloved blog and am here to grace the Internet with the pearls of wisdom that just spill forth from my brain like so much baby poo on the kitchen floor.

There has been a lot that went down since the last time that I talked to the wall. Ken Block released his Gymkhana 2 video and blew up the world. Transformers 2 was released last night and blew up the world. I got new wheels and suspension for my ongoing Ford Focus project, and I, blew up the world. So the world has blown up at least three times and exciting things have gone down.

I have written numerous times about the deplorable trends that are engaged in by the car culture. There are some trends that I have looked at on other cars and thought, "Boy, that sucks." I must say that I have fallen prey to one of the biggest trends that I have seen on cars. I bought a set of rims with a brushed lip and black center. Many a time I have gazed upon a Ford Mustang and looked the car over enjoying the timeless design quality and getting to an all too common move of black rims with a brushed lip. I thought that I would never get a set of rims that I saw so many times and despised. I was wrong. They look great, which leads me to the conclusion that some trends are not all that bad.

Black rims + brushed lip = not that bad.
Body kits, door handle deletes, carbon fiber, flat paint and loud exhaust are all trends that could be terrible things when used in the wrong manner. As is the case in all car customization, tastefully implemented widespread trends look, and function, beautifully. Here I am, the infallible me, telling you that even I can look at something that everyone uses on their car and say, "I can do that." The only difference is that I do it a whole lot better than most people.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I have seen the future...and it sucks.

Do you remember the '70s and '80s? Well I definitely do not remember the 70s, but I do remember the '80s...barely (D.O.B. 1986). They were a tough time the car companies. Let me clarify that statement by saying that those decades were a terrible time period for car companies in America. Foreign car companies were already consistently making garbage. All the companies in the United States were, let's say, castrated. Many factors contributed to this mass suckifying of Detroit, but, with the dawn of the '90s and the '00s it seemed like there was going to be hay day the sequel for Detroit; not.

Now that the lead designers of General Motors and Chrysler automobiles will be the United Auto Workers and Obama let me relay the vision of the future that I have seen. All of the grim predictions that I am about to tell you are true, a taco with the Virgin Mary on it told me so. She says, "Hi."

The Chevrolet Corvette, the sultana of sports cars, the mack daddy of muscle, the car which I have been described as having "a hardon" for will no longer, in any way be worth buying. Think, 1986 Chevy Corvette, but worse. The only entry for America on the world stage of sports cars will become a slow/non-moving memory. The cylinders will be trimmed from eight to six and have a displacement similar to a shifter cart and about the same power. The transmission will only come in automatic and the bucket seats will be replaced with a sort of bench seat setup. The interior, which according to foreign and domestic press is deplorable, will be even more sparse being that it will be made of old moving boxes provided by Los Angeles hobos. Wheels for the Corvette will be made of lead, to save weight, and brakes made of government cheese a.k.a. aluminum. Exhaust for the mild straight six will be similar to coffee stirrers to give the car the deep exhale which Corvette lovers have come to adore. All of this and more can be yours with the 2012 UAW/Obama-Vette.

The Camaro will not get the ax this time around for GM it will merely be reworked, like the Corvette. The Camaro will have a base engine of a four-cylinder and an optional engine which will be the exact same four-cylinder. The Camaro will no longer be low and sexy but high and boxy, kind of like a Ford Focus, just not as good looking. Accessories and amenities will be much like the Corvette, but instead the brakes will be made of ham because human consumption of pork will soon be outlawed.

Chevy's hopped up SS line will be entirely gone.

Chrysler's SRT division gone.

Superchargers, turbochargers and engine upgrades all together will be gone.

The Dodge Viper which has been the Corvette's upstart little cousin for a little bit will escape the ax and become a carbon copy of the Corvette, government cheese and all. The convertible versions of the Viper will have a nifty burlap material as a new, forced, option. The mammoth V10 will be gone, to the max, and in its place will sit a hair dryer. Yes, the American cars will still be progressive with the Viper being the first car to successfully install a hairdryer as an engine, and you thought it would be the Japanese. In fact, the Viper will not carry the Viper name anymore because of it's threatening nature. The Viper will be renamed the 'Bunny' or the 'French.'

The beloved Neon SRT-4 will no longer be an option, but will just be the Neon. It will soon be discontinued afterwards because no one wants a regular Neon because they suck so bad. The Neon will be offered with four doors still but a back seat will carry a premium of $4,000.00 because government designed cars will be total rip-offs.

Ford, the last man standing at our current juncture. Ford will hold out as long as it can but will inevitably fall prey and be subject to government control. They will rule the American landscape for a bit, making wonderful cars, but when their profits become to tasty for the government to not seize they will be eaten up by the big machine. The machine coincidentally be Korean made.

All American cars will be hybrids, even though the most fuel efficient cars in the world now are diesel, and will run on 45 octane gas, even though the higher the octane of gasoline the cleaner it burns. All cars will be limited to 35 miles per hour and the national speed limit on all roads will be 24 miles per hour, so that the police can still get you for doing 10 plus. There will be no more SUVs because the government deems them too luxurious for common folk. Congress and the President will, of course, still have their SUVs. V8 engines will be outlawed all together, kind of like in that crazy Mel Gibson movie. Do not fear my people, "law enforcement" agencies will still have V8 Crown Victorias and Chargers to catch you evil speeders. For the short time that cars, which are older and customized to go fast, are still on the road "officers of the law" will be given flame throwers to burn the car on the spot. Then they will probably shoot you in the testicles.

So, don't worry be happy, because we will all be turned into human batteries a-la the Matrix not too long after all this happens and will have bigger problems, like where the probes are going.

(Sarcasm off)

All of this could be avoided if, and only if, the American people embrace freedom and shun tyranny once again. The only thing to do now is pray and fight, not just for cars, but for our way of life.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

In case you have not taken my hints and not gone to yet then here is your chance to sample some of the best. I spend at least a couple minutes each day on this site looking and the videos dedicated to cars. Here is what I have found to be the creme' de la creme'.

Will Roegge produces some awesome drift and car videos and they look fantastic. Check out his Red Bull World Finals video.

The guys from IMV Films are fun and produce videos that are real and entertaining. They make you feel like you're actually there and on the streets with them. The videos also make you want to go street race.

Roll Racing is like IMV films without the characters. There's about 20 videos and they are all the same and all rock hard. Get your street race on with the Roll Racing fellas.

Leo is now world famous because he sounds just like a Supra. He also sounds just like a lot of other cars. Check him out as he goes for a couple test drives.

If you enjoy supercars being driven very fast and loudly then you'll enjoy VRAlexander. He drives his Porsche Carrera GT the way it was mean to be and it sounds B-E-A-utiful.

Enjoy those vids you filthy animals.

Ford B.A. = 1.000

All one needs to do is look at Ford's upcoming lineup for the 2010 model year and the cutting of Detroit's headstone pauses. If school ending wasn't a good enough reason to be excited about this summer then the release of the first encarneation of Ford's F-150 SVT Raptor should get you revved up a little. The new Fusion, Taurus, Transit Van, Focus and Fiesta are all either coming or coming back. They are all looking Euro and great. Not to mention the ever-awesome F-150.

SVT Raptor:

It's a freakin' Baja 1,000 truck for the street. Oops, for the desert. Special body panels, special grill, bigger tires, new suspension and a newly tuned four wheel drive system add up to a really exciting truck. When recently discussing tow vehicles with my friend I mentioned that I wanted an FX 45, by Infiniti. To which he replied, "Why don't you just get an SVT Raptor." This truck had escaped my consciousness momentarily. I remembered it but hadn't heard much about it. It's release this summer has snuck up on me. The first generation of the Raptor will have the standard 5.4L for engine and later in the winter Ford will release the 6.2L version. Very Cool, huh?

Focus RS:

Whoot! Look out SRT-4s, SE-Rs and Civics here comes the Focus RS. No one knows the exact arrival date, but one thing is sure, this BEAST is coming to the United States. 300hp from a turbocharged Volvo engine that runs boost in the single digits. Now, by the time my friends and I get one we'll have turned the volume up to 11 and drop 6 second 0-60 mph times to 4 second jumps.

Taurus SHO:

Does anyone remember Ford's little sleeper from the late 80s and early 90s? Not the V8 version; the V6 version. Anyway, Ford is bringing it back. In Ford's European model, the Mondeo, skin is the way that Ford is introducing this favorite back to America. The horsepower from the deep breathing Duratec V6 will blow 250+.

I've mentioned these cars before, but with all this bailout mess of Detroit it seems appropriate to remind ourselves that although most of Detroit has been castrated, Ford has not. Ford is bringing the heat in a big way and will, more than likely, come out on top with the projected reasonable prices of these models. Thank God for guys that don't want bailouts, listen to buyers and don't lean on the Mustang to save them.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Summer Time

It's almost summer time and I'm about to get all hot and bothered. We're talking whore in church kinda hot here. Now I'm in college and I do have a lot more free time to not be in school and drive than I would if I was in high-screwel. What I don't have is enough time to work and make money so that I can fuel my addiction.

Formula D has kicked off, summer movies are coming out and it's travel time. Where? I don't know. How? I don't know that either. I do know one thing; this summer is going to be awesome.

Cars were made for summer fun and as long as the Bamster (President Obama) doesn't jack taxes up too far on, well, everything, but namely gas this summer should be fun. If we are all crippled by funding the involuntary volunteer programs for Obama Youth then that might taint all the fun.

For the folks up North, it's time to take the covers off the good cars that have been sitting in the garage all winter and put the Geo Metro, with the snow tires, up for a little while. Of course global warming may get a little too serious and there could be some late spring snow storms.

It's time to break out the sunscreen. Be careful when applying at the nude beach though. you have to approach the situation delicatley.

Happy summertime. Be sure to put all your stupidity on

Car Guy TV

I use the words "Car Guy" a whole lot. I've made it clear what that means and I think that even if you don't agree with me on the specific definition then you do have some idea of what I mean.

I love cars and I love TV. Putting cars on a screen, any screen, and presenting them in a cool way just gets my motor revving. Pun intended. The problem is that Car Guys on TV suck. The programming is marginal and the only ray of light is Stacy David's show Gearz. The thing with shows on Spike TV or ESPN is that they don't promote them and mostly they suck.

To network managers apparently they don't think that there is a big enough group of guys who care about cars out there that watch TV. Wrong. The entertainment factor of the shows is sleep inducing because they choose lame/overplayed cars do the same mods on all of them that we have either done or seen before. Speed TV used to have a show called Chop, Cut, Rebuild (CCR) and it was the most boring tripe I have ever seen. Shows like Rides and Overhaulin' on The Learning Channel build a car in one hour. CCR took what seemed like 40 years to do a fender.

There is no input from people who care about cars on car shows, except Stacy David's show Gearz. Always put anything Stacy touches in the exception to the rule category. Anyone who has tried to watch these shows that are not promoted and barely scheduled on TV knows what I mean. For every good show that has, and is, on TV about cars there are two that negate the descent shows.

The only solution that I can offer to this problem is get a bunch of fruits like myself that care about nothing more than cars and let us argue for a couple of days, preferably in a really nice hotel in South Florida. I recommend the Ritz Carlton. Then we shall emerge with brilliant ideas for seasons and seasons of brilliant automotive programming.

I'm serious rich guys, call me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Car Guys

Everyone's a critic. All you have to do to realize this is peruse the car websites and the youtube accounts of devoted car fans. This may come as a shock but even I am critical of some cars, owners, trends, etc. I try not to be as belligerent as some of the D-Bags on the web, or television, for that matter, but sometimes the moment calls for a little, "call it like I see it."

There's five kinds of car guys. There are subtle nuances to this list that may appear that smoe guys don't fall into each of these categories, but I assure you, if you look close enough the car guy you know will fall into one of these. Hopefully these attributes of the most common dudes, and gals, will help you to deal a little less harshly with the idiotic, stupid and occasionaly rational/learned.

Allow me to aim the crosshairs at those who entered the car culture back in 2001 with the release of the first Fast & Furious movie. Since then they have gained knowledge beyond that of NOS exploding and 10 second quarter-miles taking two minutes and feel the need to regale everyone with their superior intelect. These are the "Lemme Tell Ya" people. They hate Fast & Furious, even though it is the reason they first liked cars, and want everyone to know that they are a real car guy. They are so knowledgeable about what is what because they spent a couple minutes last night on, or, and want you to know what they know and that it was them that told you. They don't necessarilly have the money to have a sweet car but the way they talk you would think they did.

The second type of car guy is the "Ricer." Now I've written about this scourge of car world because people must know about these rats and obliterate them. Since you can find a deeper description in one of my earlier blogs I'll keep this short. They don't know jack about cars but they think they do. Their cars look like crap. They are loud, annoying and inspire hatful feelings in people. Avoid these people by all means necessary or you may end up in jail for murder.

Next up we have the "Professionals." These guys can go either way. They can be very good or they can be extremely bad. The good are the guys that will lean on their car at a show and talk to fans as long as the fans want to talk with them. Take a turn to a similar looking guy leaning on a race car in a fire suit and they will just tell you how great they are and you will not be talking to them for very long becasue, a.) Their agent will wisk them away to another photoshoot, or, b.) you will get sick and take off to find some schwag bags at the other parts of the show. Pros are not only race car drivers; they are the shop owners. The shop owners and mechanics know their stuff and can act pretty cool and talk with you for awhile or be too busy working on their cars to even feign understanding of mortals.

The "Rich Guys." They drive Ferraris, Lamborghinis and even Corvettes. These people have more money than taste and are extremely sad. Car guys often dream of having more money than the good Lord and it pains them to see those who come cloe wasting it on all too common supercars. These are usually older guys with wives that are either in their 20's or are made of parts from 20 year olds. They aren't that into cars but they like looking like they have money. They make everyone green with envy and red with anger.

The last, he best car guy is the "Regular Guy." They don't have all that much money but they do have enough. There cars may not be that extreme, but they work well. The regular guys are the happy ones. They are satisfied with who they are and where they are in life. Regular guys are the best to talk to at shows and the best to race on Friday night because in the end they don't want enemies and would rather build good will than start fights.

Keep your eyes sharp and look for the Regular Guys. Surround yourself with positive people in the car community and maybe some Rich Guys...for the money and free upgrades.