Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Do you remember the '70s and '80s? Well I definitely do not remember the 70s, but I do remember the '80s...barely (D.O.B. 1986). They were a tough time the car companies. Let me clarify that statement by saying that those decades were a terrible time period for car companies in America. Foreign car companies were already consistently making garbage. All the companies in the United States were, let's say, castrated. Many factors contributed to this mass suckifying of Detroit, but, with the dawn of the '90s and the '00s it seemed like there was going to be hay day the sequel for Detroit; not.
Now that the lead designers of General Motors and Chrysler automobiles will be the United Auto Workers and Obama let me relay the vision of the future that I have seen. All of the grim predictions that I am about to tell you are true, a taco with the Virgin Mary on it told me so. She says, "Hi."
The Chevrolet Corvette, the sultana of sports cars, the mack daddy of muscle, the car which I have been described as having "a hardon" for will no longer, in any way be worth buying. Think, 1986 Chevy Corvette, but worse. The only entry for America on the world stage of sports cars will become a slow/non-moving memory. The cylinders will be trimmed from eight to six and have a displacement similar to a shifter cart and about the same power. The transmission will only come in automatic and the bucket seats will be replaced with a sort of bench seat setup. The interior, which according to foreign and domestic press is deplorable, will be even more sparse being that it will be made of old moving boxes provided by Los Angeles hobos. Wheels for the Corvette will be made of lead, to save weight, and brakes made of government cheese a.k.a. aluminum. Exhaust for the mild straight six will be similar to coffee stirrers to give the car the deep exhale which Corvette lovers have come to adore. All of this and more can be yours with the 2012 UAW/Obama-Vette.
The Camaro will not get the ax this time around for GM it will merely be reworked, like the Corvette. The Camaro will have a base engine of a four-cylinder and an optional engine which will be the exact same four-cylinder. The Camaro will no longer be low and sexy but high and boxy, kind of like a Ford Focus, just not as good looking. Accessories and amenities will be much like the Corvette, but instead the brakes will be made of ham because human consumption of pork will soon be outlawed.
Chevy's hopped up SS line will be entirely gone.
Chrysler's SRT division gone.
Superchargers, turbochargers and engine upgrades all together will be gone.
The Dodge Viper which has been the Corvette's upstart little cousin for a little bit will escape the ax and become a carbon copy of the Corvette, government cheese and all. The convertible versions of the Viper will have a nifty burlap material as a new, forced, option. The mammoth V10 will be gone, to the max, and in its place will sit a hair dryer. Yes, the American cars will still be progressive with the Viper being the first car to successfully install a hairdryer as an engine, and you thought it would be the Japanese. In fact, the Viper will not carry the Viper name anymore because of it's threatening nature. The Viper will be renamed the 'Bunny' or the 'French.'
The beloved Neon SRT-4 will no longer be an option, but will just be the Neon. It will soon be discontinued afterwards because no one wants a regular Neon because they suck so bad. The Neon will be offered with four doors still but a back seat will carry a premium of $4,000.00 because government designed cars will be total rip-offs.
Ford, the last man standing at our current juncture. Ford will hold out as long as it can but will inevitably fall prey and be subject to government control. They will rule the American landscape for a bit, making wonderful cars, but when their profits become to tasty for the government to not seize they will be eaten up by the big machine. The machine coincidentally be Korean made.
All American cars will be hybrids, even though the most fuel efficient cars in the world now are diesel, and will run on 45 octane gas, even though the higher the octane of gasoline the cleaner it burns. All cars will be limited to 35 miles per hour and the national speed limit on all roads will be 24 miles per hour, so that the police can still get you for doing 10 plus. There will be no more SUVs because the government deems them too luxurious for common folk. Congress and the President will, of course, still have their SUVs. V8 engines will be outlawed all together, kind of like in that crazy Mel Gibson movie. Do not fear my people, "law enforcement" agencies will still have V8 Crown Victorias and Chargers to catch you evil speeders. For the short time that cars, which are older and customized to go fast, are still on the road "officers of the law" will be given flame throwers to burn the car on the spot. Then they will probably shoot you in the testicles.
So, don't worry be happy, because we will all be turned into human batteries a-la the Matrix not too long after all this happens and will have bigger problems, like where the probes are going.
All of this could be avoided if, and only if, the American people embrace freedom and shun tyranny once again. The only thing to do now is pray and fight, not just for cars, but for our way of life.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Does anyone remember Ford's little sleeper from the late 80s and early 90s? Not the V8 version; the V6 version. Anyway, Ford is bringing it back. In Ford's European model, the Mondeo, skin is the way that Ford is introducing this favorite back to America. The horsepower from the deep breathing Duratec V6 will blow 250+.
I've mentioned these cars before, but with all this bailout mess of Detroit it seems appropriate to remind ourselves that although most of Detroit has been castrated, Ford has not. Ford is bringing the heat in a big way and will, more than likely, come out on top with the projected reasonable prices of these models. Thank God for guys that don't want bailouts, listen to buyers and don't lean on the Mustang to save them.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It's almost summer time and I'm about to get all hot and bothered. We're talking whore in church kinda hot here. Now I'm in college and I do have a lot more free time to not be in school and drive than I would if I was in high-screwel. What I don't have is enough time to work and make money so that I can fuel my addiction.
Formula D has kicked off, summer movies are coming out and it's travel time. Where? I don't know. How? I don't know that either. I do know one thing; this summer is going to be awesome.
Cars were made for summer fun and as long as the Bamster (President Obama) doesn't jack taxes up too far on, well, everything, but namely gas this summer should be fun. If we are all crippled by funding the involuntary volunteer programs for Obama Youth then that might taint all the fun.
For the folks up North, it's time to take the covers off the good cars that have been sitting in the garage all winter and put the Geo Metro, with the snow tires, up for a little while. Of course global warming may get a little too serious and there could be some late spring snow storms.
It's time to break out the sunscreen. Be careful when applying at the nude beach though. you have to approach the situation delicatley.
Happy summertime. Be sure to put all your stupidity on YouTube.com.
I use the words "Car Guy" a whole lot. I've made it clear what that means and I think that even if you don't agree with me on the specific definition then you do have some idea of what I mean.
I love cars and I love TV. Putting cars on a screen, any screen, and presenting them in a cool way just gets my motor revving. Pun intended. The problem is that Car Guys on TV suck. The programming is marginal and the only ray of light is Stacy David's show Gearz. The thing with shows on Spike TV or ESPN is that they don't promote them and mostly they suck.
To network managers apparently they don't think that there is a big enough group of guys who care about cars out there that watch TV. Wrong. The entertainment factor of the shows is sleep inducing because they choose lame/overplayed cars do the same mods on all of them that we have either done or seen before. Speed TV used to have a show called Chop, Cut, Rebuild (CCR) and it was the most boring tripe I have ever seen. Shows like Rides and Overhaulin' on The Learning Channel build a car in one hour. CCR took what seemed like 40 years to do a fender.
There is no input from people who care about cars on car shows, except Stacy David's show Gearz. Always put anything Stacy touches in the exception to the rule category. Anyone who has tried to watch these shows that are not promoted and barely scheduled on TV knows what I mean. For every good show that has, and is, on TV about cars there are two that negate the descent shows.
The only solution that I can offer to this problem is get a bunch of fruits like myself that care about nothing more than cars and let us argue for a couple of days, preferably in a really nice hotel in South Florida. I recommend the Ritz Carlton. Then we shall emerge with brilliant ideas for seasons and seasons of brilliant automotive programming.
I'm serious rich guys, call me.